Let’s Talk About Bras

If you are a womxn you know how enjoyable shopping for bras can be.  All I ask for is cups that support and lift the girls.  I don’t want skin squeezing out in places it shouldn’t be.  I don’t want another bosom in the middle of my back.

I had to buy new bras, surprise surprise.  Several months ago I went through this process.  After getting measured by a professional bra tech support person and purchasing good-fitting bras, I swore off the cheap ones forever.

Ah, how quickly I forgot the misery of bra shopping.

I measured.  I had the Hubs (all too eager to help) measure.  I ordered bras.  They came.  I tried.  I cried.  The band size fit too tight.  GAH!  I went to Walmart where in addition to torturing myself with finding a bra, I had the added pleasure of finding a pair of jeans.  Yeah!

Lawd have mercy on us all.

Walmart was unsurprisingly a disappointment in the bra department (almost in the jean department but I found a pair).  I headed to Meijer.  Someone decided to get rid of the fitting rooms.  That’s when I remembered the great bra fiasco and my sworn oath to not go through this ever again.  I put those dumpling holders back where I found them and headed to Torrid. This is where I purchased the last sets of bras which were now too big.  I put it off for way too long.  The girls were swimming around in the cups trying to ooze their way out the top when I leaned forward.  Sometimes I caught them sneaking out under the band.

I love this store.  The sales associates are so helpful.  Indeed, I measured the band size correctly.  I had a slap of reality between the cup size I wanted to be and the cup size I am.  The dumplings hadn’t shrunk.  They have changed.  I can almost roll them up like a sock. Isn’t that a great visual? Maybe they’re headed southwards towards the belly button neighborhood?  Is the weather better down there?   Maybe the ultimate goal is to be on neighborly terms with my buttocks?   I just don’t know.  I do know they like to spend time sneaking into my armpits if I’m not careful.  Speaking of buttocks, they are slowly inching their way closer to the back of my knees. This is the exact opposite of my sexy senior goals.  If this keeps up, I’ll have to roll and fold things and hold it all in place with clips.  Or maybe I’ll have to invest in Spanx, GAWD forbid.

That’s not me, but I sure feel that way wearing this bra!

The picture above is one of the bras I bought.  It’s heavenly! It’s so cute!  I went where I hadn’t gone in too many to count years.  I bought an underwire and the girls LOVE it.

I am worried. The lowest band size Torrid carries is a 38.  In the future, I won’t be able to get my bra fix there.  I’m going to have to find a new bra dealer.   Any recommendations are appreciated!

I couldn’t resist a little trip down the Googles to find alternate names for bras.  Here ya go:

Double-Barreled Booby Holsters

Upper-Decker Flopper-Stopper

Nipple Knapsacks (this name is more appropriate for pasties, IMHO)

Dumpling Holders (my new favorite)

Booby Blankets

Honker Hankies (This one confuses me.  Does this refer to tissue storage?  Does it refer to someone blowing their nose into someone’s bosom? (Gross!) OR does it refer to motorboating? Please enlighten me.)

Breast Bags (I find this hilarious. Don’t ask me why I just do.)

Over The Shoulder Boulder Holders

Of course that led to some memes that I’m sure most womxn can relate to:

Hogs ‘n Fishes,


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