Chapter Ten, Death’s Door

A loud insistent knock caused the dog, a one-eyed skeleton contained inside a tattered meat suit, to bark with what was left of her tongue.

“Quiet!”, Death yelled. The dog ignored them and began howling.

“Deity Damn It!”, they grumbled.

Death moved as silent as fog and looked through the peephole. They stepped back, stepped forward, and looked again. This couldn’t be good. HE was standing on the doorstep. A jumble of questions began tumbling through their skull. The most concerning was how in the world did his ilk find them?1Death hates to be cheated. The ilk standing outside of their door had cheated them quite often.

With a snap of their fingers, Death’s t-shirt and yoga pants turned into the traditional black tattered flowing gowns.2When one assumes the mantle and title of Death, you have the power to appear however you wish. This particular Death, loves yoga pants, t-shirts, crop tops and has been known to go about town in nothing but their bare bones. Dear reader, what a scandal and scare that caused for those who can see Death coming.Their eyes sockets changed from a lovely shade of lilac to an eerie phosphorous green. They opened the door.

Lord Dampnut, dressed in comfortable golf attire looked Death up and down. He decided that Death was nowhere near as scary as everyone made him out to be.

“What do you want?” Death asked in a voice sounding like dry leaves scuttling across pavement. Lord Dampnut was on the top of Death’s dislike list.

“There’s a problem and I was sent to recruit you to help,” Lord Dampnut responded while picking dried ketchup from under his nails.

Death didn’t respond. The green phosphorous eyes glowed brighter.

“Geezus, man!” Lord Dampnut exploded. He was used to people jumping to help him, no matter what he asked. He expected instantaneous compliance with a lot of praise and groveling heaped on top. He decidedly disliked Death.

“Daemons are running amok. They need to be rounded up and sent to the Bermuda Triangle. You’re the only one who has access to the Ark of the Covenant.” 3The Ark of the Covenant was constructed by Moses per God’s request to house the tablets containing the ten commandments. There was much ado made and the Devil couldn’t resist adding a bit of blasphemous hellish magic to it. It is dangerous to those that don’t know how to use it. It’s the perfect tool to catch a lot of daemons.

That last bit caused Death’s eyebrows to roll up off the top of their head. That is if Death had eyebrows. It must be bad, incredibly bad to send this Yahoo for the Ark of the Covenant.

“I need proof. Do you have the documents required?” Death asked in a voice that now resembled fingernails on a chalkboard.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I DON’T NEED PAPERWORK!” Lord Dampnut screamed in a temper. He turned a marvelous shade of burgundy and sweat beads dripped from the end of his nose. The walk up to Death’s house was excruciating and put Lord Dampnut in a bad mood. Who needs that many steps? Who does this Death dude think he is? Lord Dampnut made a note to get this Death fired. The best replacement for the job was he, Lord Dampnut. He couldn’t help but smirk a bit when he thought of the power the Office of Death holds.

“I know who you are. I know WHAT you are. Again, if you don’t have the documents or proof that any of this is real, then I can’t nor will I help you.” Death replied.

Lord Dampnut pulled his cell phone out and punched in a number.

“It’s me. He refuses to help,” he said into the phone. He rolled his eyes. “Then YOU talk to him.”

“HE wants to talk to you,” he said holding out the phone to Death who took it.

“Hullo! This is Death speaking,” they said.

“Hello, Lucifer.”

“No. He didn’t bring anything.”

“Really?! Oh, that’s fascinating. What a major hassle this is for the two of you.”

“Now. Now. You know I don’t pick sides. I’m just the delivery person.”

“Do you a solid? Uhm, no. That’s not happening with this jerk you put in charge.” Death held the phone away from the side of their skull.  The air visibly turned blue as Satan spewed profanities.

“Okay. I’ll tell him.” Death replied, “Have a Hellish day!”  It was always a good idea to be polite when dealing with deities.  They handed the phone back to Lord Dampnut.

“You have to go back and get the proper paperwork. Until you have that, I can’t help you.” Death stepped back inside the doorway.

“Have an unpleasant day!” they offered as the door slammed shut.

Lord Dampnut’s eyes bulged. There was nothing he could do. He must return to Hell and, get whatever paperwork was needed. He was going to get that Ark come Hell or high water. Death was going to pay for being such a liberal.