Captain Lord Dampnut Has A Meeting
Captain Lord Dampnut1The Dampnut family was known to canoodle with The Devil on occasion. They thought of themselves as royal mobsters. And, in that line of thinking, it made sense for Mr. and Mrs. Dampnut to name their firstborn, Lord. This did not go over well with Lord’s school mates who decided to tease him. They soon discovered that Lord, a narcissus with a pinch of sociopath tendencies, would make them pay in cruel and unusual ways. Most of his classmates learned to leave him alone. There were the few he bamboozled into thinking he’d taken them under his wing. They never learned that when push came to shove, they were always the ones shoved under the proverbial bus. In his later years, Captain Dampnut was well known for his penchant for building walls and admiration of dictators. And, dear reader it’s worthy to note that the name Lord Dampnut is an anagram of a certain somebody and pointed out as such by the comic Colin Mochrie on Twitter in January of 2017. That’s all we’ll say about that. walked through the door. God reacted just as the Devil hoped he would.
“YOU!” he thundered.
Captain Dampnut stared at His Almighty without a wisp of awe or respect. “You’re not as large and mighty looking as I had imagined,” he said. “You have small hands.”
“Oh no! We are not having this. This. This HUMAN involved in any way shape or form!” God exploded.
“He’s the only one capable of pulling this off.” replied The Devil grinning.
God folded His Almighty arms, puffing smoke from his ears trying to calm down. The Devil had him. There was no one better for the job of rounding up otherworldly beings.
“Fine,” God mumbled.
Captain Lord Dampnut smiled. He, like his henchmen, was keen on rounding up arrogant, too-big-for-their-britches otherworldly beings. He hit the big time and this opportunity to work with the big guys, the creators of it all was a feather in his cap. The only downside was he was supposed to treat the rogue daemons nicely, no locking them in cages or torture. Captain Dampnut knew a few loopholes to work around. He’d skim a few errant daemons for his own personal use and neither God nor Satan would be none the wiser.
“Good.” Said The Devil. “I have some intel regarding these silly daemons such as what they like to eat, their hobbies, and that sort of thing.”
Captain Dampnut replied, “All I need is a couple of my men, a couple of daemons, and three angels. We ought to be able to contain these low-lives…” He stopped short of finishing that sentence. The look on the Devil’s face was horribly frightening, even to one such as Captain Dampnut. “Er, these rogue daemons.” He finished quickly.
It’s important to note that although the Devil was not pleased with the rogue daemons, he admired them. He admired them because they were so devilishly clever and bucked the system, even if it was his system.
“Okay, let’s hear your plan, Captain.” The Devil said.