The Lonely Devil
A long, long time ago1So long ago that it would require a bound and printed book with the word “long” written from front to back., The Devil made daemons for companions.
The Devil was lonely. Hell wasn’t as full as it is nowadays. His trusty brethren of fallen angels were too busy and rarely bothered to visit. Hell’s residents 2 A motley collection of humans, animals, fish, poultry, birds, reptiles, and assorted naughty insects often turned tail or went belly up whenever he appeared. He wanted friends or at the very least someone to play with and to cheat at checkers.
So, much like God sitting upstairs, he made companions in his image. Well, sort of in his image. As the first fallen angel, he has tried his fair share of fashionable looks. He is the king of pride so ultimately, daemons became a mish-mash of his most famous jaw-dropping scary looks and pretty ones. He filled them with fire, brimstone, unbridled passion, greed, and all other sorts of nastiness. Remember, dear reader, we are speaking of Hell. Nastiness is relative to the beholder. Hordes upon hordes of daemons were unleashed to play havoc upon God’s children upstairs 3The devil was Hell Bent on filling up the firey pit and focused on collecting God’s favorite creation, humans. Soon enough a tiny problem turned into a large conundrum. He did not consider that when one unleashes its creation and allows it to about willy-dilly, it will change. That’s exactly what happened to some of the daemons.
They weren’t happy with simply creating chaos and mayhem. The more daemons hung out with humans, they became enamored by them. They couldn’t resist playing with their hair, licking their stubby little toesies, or helping them out of ticklish situations. Sure, they clung to some of that hellish nature. Some still liked to collect big toes or pinkie fingers and even ears, but the mutual attraction between daemons and humans couldn’t be denied.4There are two schools of thought around this strange attraction. Hell’s top scientific behavioral research scientist posits that there is a bond between the two species due to the creative process used by God and Satan. Also, he suggests that they recognize that extra spunky spark (some would say divine but that is a horrific swear word in the realms of Hell) within one another on an unconscious level. In Heaven, it’s commonly known that this is typical bull tookie nonsense from Hell. There is no mutual attraction, blah, blah, blah. It’s because daemons are so good at temptation. Everyone knows it. It’s all over the Heavenet and everything on the Heavenet is true.
The relationships we see between daemons and humans certainly didn’t happen overnight. It took a gazillion generations (according to the last census) of daemons and humans interacting to understand one another. Humans wanted to tame and treat the daemons like pets. Some daemons felt humans had too many appendages, cute as all get-out, and didn’t see the harm in collecting them. They often forgot that humans can’t grow them back as daemons can. Once this was sorted out, some of the best friendships were between daemons and humans. Daemons are a fun lot and worth having around if you like spontaneity, hooey, and laughter, lots of laughter. Or so I’ve heard, dear reader. Goddesses such as myself are not supposed to play with humans or daemons and the rumors that we do so are simply not true.
The devil was beside himself with the news of this daemon and human hootenanny. Oh gosh, dear reader, he did try mightily to interfere. He would kidnap the (his words), “irresponsible, skunk-butt, flower happy so and so’s” and replace them with a nasty dispositioned fresh from Hell daemon. The now human-friendly daemons couldn’t cope living in Hell. Oh, the Devil tried. He tried to assimilate them back into hellish ways. They would sob. They would clean-up messes. They would, devil forbid, cuddle, and sing in-tune. They (Devil forbid) would make art from whatever Hellish materials they could find. The human residents of Hell were granted a short reprieve from never-ending misery due to the hijinks pulled by these friendly daemons.
God, for His part, would send down swat teams of warrior angels wearing white suits5Word on the Heavenet was the Angels in White had the backing of important humans who were rumored if you don’t mind me saying so, a bit on the shady side of Hell. to capture and toss the daemons back into the firey pit. Sometimes they made a mistake, which you did not hear from me dear reader, and scooped up an innocent human and unceremoniously tossed them into the nether regions. It was after about the eleventh time a human-friendly daemon landed in The Dark Lord’s bowl of tomato soup that he decided enough was enough. God, Himself, the Almighty was having similar thoughts.
Admittedly, there were many mistakes made from both Heaven and Hell, but you didn’t hear that from me. Even so, the Devil and God agreed, this happens more times than not, that for humans to live happily, there would have to be a status quo and absolutely no gray area. These friendly to human daemons fell to the grayish side of things. That just wouldn’t do. It must be black and white on earth. You were either evil and of Hell or you were angelic and followed the commands of God to the letter.6You and I know dear reader that there is a whole debate within the human community about where God’s laws come from and who wrote what. And, did the Devil really get a bad rap? We aren’t going to touch that with a ten, fifteen, twenty, or one hundred foot pole.
A special place had to be made for these human hobnobbing daemons to live. God Forbid, God wasn’t about to take them into Heaven. The Devil pleaded, bargained, and begged for Him to take them. The Heaven’s No! was so loud, it literally blew the Devil’s wig off. What a preposterous idea! How would that make the almighty Him look to his children? They would frighten Heaven’s residents who had a certain expectation of what Heaven looked like. One can only imagine the massive undertaking Heaven would have had to achieve to change its image on the socials, the brochures, and advertising.
Between the two of them, they hatched a plan that would take care of this problem. They created the Bermuda Triangle. Oh yes, they certainly did just that, dear reader.