Flies On The Wall
Flies, Dear Reader, are abundant within the realms of Hell. They are a subspecies of Imps and love nothing more to annoy and buzz humans up on Earth. Because of how prevalent they are it, unfortunately, makes them easy to infiltrate for spying on Hell. Who would volunteer to become a fly spy you ask? Not one Angel in their right mind would happily take on such a mission. They value their sparkly halos, pristine white feathered wings, and immaculately tailored white suits. This sad job is relegated to Angels who have strayed, gotten their halo a bit, shall we say dented and/or bent.(1)
Unfortunately for Babs,(2), this is where she found herself, sitting on a wall observing the hatching of a devilish plan by a closet full of Daemons to infiltrate Heaven. A Daemon, who liked to collect fly wings, spotted Babs and lumbered over as quietly as 8 feet of walking bricks can be in an attempt to snatch her up. Babs, having been accosted before by this particular Daemon (she called him Brickhauz but his real name is Allen) wiggled her way between knobby knees and etiolated(3) elbows to a safer less conspicuous spot on the wall. Babs was in a pickle, a juicy raisin of a pickle in a jar packed with pickle eating Daemons. She needed to report this to her superiors in Heaven immediately. In order to accomplish this task, she had to get from her current spot on the wall to the door without causing a brouhaha of snapping, toothsome, pawing Daemons giving chase. Babs realized that THAT was exactly what she needed to do.
Babs sashayed her way along the wall until she had a good bee-line (fly-line) to Brickhauz’s (Allen’s) eye. She launched herself like a raisin flies from the mouth after being dislodged by the Heimlich maneuver. Dear Reader, as planned, a few Daemon’s noticed and the snapping, toothsome, and pawing brouhaha to catch her began. Babs, proud of her flying skills got a wee bit cocky. She didn’t see Allen’s maw until it was too late. She flew straight into his uvula. Daemon uvulas are not smooth like a human’s. They are coated with a sticky substance that surprisingly smells like lilacs. Babs wiggled, buzzed, and struggled mightily to become unstuck from this strangely pleasant-smelling flesh blob to no avail. Allen, who developed a sudden cough, reached in and carefully removed Babs, much to his surprise and delight. I’ll spare you the details, Dear Reader, but suffice to say, Heaven was not notified of the Deamons’s plans. Poor Babs became wingless and spent the rest of her days in a tiny jar with other wingless flies until a Daemon had a hankering for raisins.(4)
No one knows, rather, no one will tell us, Dear Reader, exactly how a few of those Daemons got out of the closet. Fred and George, upon hearing the brouhaha opened the door to investigate. It is assumed that this is when a few Daemon’s slipped out. Fred and George deny anyone or anything getting by them. Unfortunately, Fred and George had to be punished with an eternity and a half of having their toes tickled with furry purring kittens.(5)
Click here for CHAPTER V, Bearded Sky Daddy Has A Problem