Chapter Five Bearded Sky Daddy Has A Problem

Chapter Five

Bearded Sky Daddy Has A Problem

“You! You! @#$%!$!!! I will Damn You TO HELL $#@#%&*…” screamed God Almighty through the phone. He did not know that the Devil had placed him on speakerphone so everyone could hear throughout Hell. The Devil winked at his secretary who stood by nervously. Dave was the tenth secretary that day. The Devil went through secretaries like a case of explosive diarrhea goes through toilet paper.
“Big Sky Daddy1According to the wide world of the Interwebs, Big Sky Daddy was coined by Guthrie Devine. However, it must be noted dear reader that it was first coined by a hippy attending Woodstock. Said hippy, who just dropped a large amount of acid, thought that they were playing peek-a-boo with God. They were overheard cooing in a baby-like voice, “I see you Bearded Sky Daddy! I see you!” and reportedly began to suck their thumb. God overhearing this, was embarrassed and sent an Angel down to smite the hippy. The angel, feeling pity for the human did not smite them and instead smote an innocent rodent instead. Three guesses and the first two don’t count who that angel was. Yes, dear reader, it was having a fit!” he giggled. “Look! Look at the air go blue with all that profanity! Oh, this is marvelous!”

“WHAT?!” God yelled. “What did YOU CALL ME?”

“I said nothing at all” replied the Devil with a smirk. “So, about these Daemons. I haven’t the foggiest idea of how they got out. You know, I’m a bit proud of the little cuties.”

“THIS IS NOT FUNNY!” His Almighty shouted.

“I have a plan if you’d just calm down.” replied the Devil
God, took a few deep breaths. He thought to himself, “I must remember what I learned in therapy. Deep breaths. In and out. This is what that rapscallion likes to do. He likes to poke at you. Don’t let him get to you.2Dear reader, it should be noted that the author has been told that this blaspheme of God having a therapist will send them to hell in a handbasket, personally decorated and delivered by God Himself. The Devil can’t wait.

God, breathed a long sigh. “What’s this plan of yours?”

The Devil had an awful gleam in his eye which meant that if God could see it, he wasn’t going to like this plan at all. “Let’s involve humans.”

“WHAT?!” God exploded into a cloud of fury and lightning.3Coincidentally during this conversation, Antarctica experienced thunderstorms and lightning which is unheard of. Scientists stationed there were baffled and flummoxed. Their theories ranged from global warming to atmospheric pressures to alien attacks. Ultimately, they chalked it up to overactive imaginations from being stuck indoors for far too long. The astronauts living in the space station witnessed the same thing and came to a similar conclusion. It was a sight best kept to themselves and everyone who witnessed it pinky-swore to never mention it again.