A Black Swamp Woman

Oh hello!  I didn’t hear you come in.  The two-dog alarm system needs an upgrade.

You, my friend, have stumbled into my secret lair hidden within the Flatlands of NW Ohio formerly known as The Great Black Swamp.  Let’s get a few things out of the way. No, you can’t find it on a map.  No, you can’t come live with me. Why anyone would want to do that? I am a handful of hooey, just ask The Hubs or my sisters in lunch.  And, no, I’m not hiring for minion jobs.  I have plenty of them.  I obtained a Dalek but that’s not working out so well.  It’s a bit unnerving in the Lair when it starts yelling  “EXTERMINATE!” every five minutes.

Oh, you want to know more about me?  Really?  I’m not that fascinating. Oh, just STOP it.  No, I’m not. Your fulsome words are embarrassing me!  Okay.  I’ll tell you a bit since you’ve buttered my butt & called me a biscuit.

I love to tell a tall tale (aka write fiction), cartoon & create dolls from hard shell gourds.

What? More?

I’m a sexy hair-net-wearing lunch lady by day.  Do you want to know about the Real Lives of Lunch Ladies?  That could totally be a show to watch.  We have a Lunch Lady band so it could be Real Lives of Lunch Ladies the musical!  No?

Do I have something big and profound to say? Uhm, maybe, if you squint hard enough?

Lists are fun! Here are a few things about me.

A creative outlet is cheaper than therapy.
I laugh a lot when I’m creating or writing.
Irreverent, cheeky, playful, side-eye humor is how I deal with today’s world.
Bee bottoms covered in pollen. They’re so much more adorable than a bee’s knees

Geezus, you want to know more?  Alright.  Here are a few fun factoids:

Mild-mannered lunch lady by day (some disagree with the mild-mannered part)
Creative monster by night (writer, cartoonist, gourd artist, lover of markers)
Biped servant to 2 felines & 2 canines.
My favorite color is purple (deep dark purple) & add swash of orange & I will swoon
I am an unabashed fan of ’80s/’90s/the naughts & up club music.
I ADORE/LOVE/AM CRAZY ADDICTED to RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Ditto the above for Boulet Brother’s Dragula.
I love mind-bendy outside of the box people.
I will have a VW minibus one day.  I WILL!
I can inhale ice cream at an unholy speed without nary a brain freeze. It’s a curse & blessing.
I can’t hold a tune or note but caterwaul with the best of them.
I enjoy music at ear blistering levels.
I love shoes that are wearable works of art. I can’t wear them but I love them!
I love teenagers.  Really. Really.
I’m in touch with my inner teenager way too much.
I’ve been grounded to my room by my kids for being too hooeyish.
I’ve been grounded to the Snack Room at work for being too hooeyish.
(I think there’s a pattern of behaviour here)

And finally, I offer you this Haiku.  It sums up how I try to look at the world.

The Door Knob
I grasp the cold brass.
What lies behind the doorway?
Magic or mundane?
©Tracy Swartz January 16, 2010