A Black Swamp Gourdess

Oh hello!  I didn’t hear you come in.  The two dog alarm system needs an upgrade.

Now that you’re here, please have a seat.  Oh my, I forgot for a hot minute, you’re here virtually so you’re most likely seated.  Congratulations!  You have stumbled your way into my secret lair hidden in the Flatlands of NW Ohio formerly known as The Great Black Swamp.  Let’s get a few things out of the way. No, you can’t find it on a map.  No, you can’t live here with me.  No, I’m not hiring for minion jobs.  I have plenty of minions & now a Dalek.  It’s a bit unruly yelling “EXTERMINATE!” every five minutes.  Anyway…

Oh.  You want to know more about me?  Really?  I’m not that fascinating. Oh, just STOP it.  No, I’m not. Your fulsome words are embarrassing me!  Okay.  I’ll tell you a bit since you’ve buttered my butt & called me a biscuit.

I love to tell a tall tale, cartoon & create dolls from hard shell gourds.

What? It’s true!

What do you mean by the “real” story?

I have no idea… Who told you THAT?

Proof?  The jig is up?


You want me to admit that I am the infamous Black Swamp Gourdess who writes unabridged stories about the Gourd Troubles I conjure & unleash upon the unsuspecting hoomans of the world.  Is that the truth you were talking about?  Gadzooks, that’s just plain silliness.

Why do I do it?  What is my diabolical plan?

Could it be a peek into the Real Lives of Lunch Ladies?  That could totally be a show to watch.  We have a Lunch Lady band so it could be Real Lives of Lunch Ladies the musical.

Do I have something big and profound to say?

Maybe, if you squint hard enough.

A lady never tells, but I am willing to tell you:

A creative outlet is cheaper than therapy.
I laugh a lot when I’m creating or writing
The world needs more irreverent, cheeky, playful, side-eye humor & footnotes! You can read them by clicking on them.1For desktop use the mouse & for mobile or touchscreen devices use your finger. No, it doesn’t matter which one.  Sure, you could use a toe or a thumb but I wouldn’t recommend it. Footnotes are the bees’ knees! 2Or maybe I should say the bees’ butts because pictures of bee bottoms covered in pollen are a thing now, super adorable & no one wants to look at bees’ knees.
Geezuss, you want to know more?  Alright.  Here are a few fun factoids:

By day, I am a Lady of Lunch bouncing about The Land of Lunch at a local school.
Pet Hooman & Servant to 4 felines & 2 canines.
My favorite color is purple (deep dark purple) add swash of orange & I will swoon
I am an unabashed fan of ’80s/’90s/the naughts & up club music.
Ditto the above for Boulet Brother’s Dragula.
I love mind-bendy outside of the box people.
I will have a VW minibus one day.  I WILL!
I can inhale ice cream at an unholy speed without nary a brain freeze. It’s a curse & blessing.
I can’t hold a tune or note but caterwaul with the best of them.
I enjoy music at ear blistering levels.
I love shoes that are wearable works of art. I can’t wear them but I love them!
I love teenagers.  Really. Really.
I’m in touch with my inner teenager way too much.
I’ve been grounded to my room by my kids for being too hooeyish.

And finally, I offer you this Haiku.  It sums up how I try to look at the world.

The Door Knob
I grasp the cold brass.
What lies behind the doorway?
Magic or mundane?
©Tracy Swartz January 16, 2010